The dreaded benefits topic

I get terrified about what people will say to me when I reveal I’m on benefits. Whenever people have asked me what I do, it’s always been a difficult conversation.

In recent times, I’ve tried to say I’m a pub quiz host or I do flyering but then they ask: “Oh can you live off that?” And it’s like: “No I can’t, I’m on benefits.” And then I just wait for the judgments, the things people will call me, like ‘a scrounger’, ‘lazy’, ‘a burden to society’, ‘a waste of the taxpayers’ money’. It just feels like I can’t win.

These two roles I have don’t pay me enough money but they’re good for me because they enable me to work on my own. I mean people are a huge problem for me. I don’t get on with people because my social skills are not there; I have issues with good communication and picking up signals and learning things and I have a lot of a social anxiety.

I get terrified about what people will say to me when I reveal I’m on benefits.

Working on my own is a huge plus. I haven’t got to worry about colleagues being nasty or making comparisons or office politics or competitive environments. Also, I haven’t got my boss breathing down my neck all the time. I mean I didn’t even realize my boss was a woman until a month into the quizz job; that shows how much communication I have with her.

And I thrive on being able to do things my own way. This could be because of my neurodivergence, or it could be because of me being me, but I need flexibility to express myself and I need to be left to my own devices. I hate rigid structures and uniforms.

The trauma of being forced into unsuitable roles with inflexible employers

In the past, my jobs were in retail and hospitality, not because I wanted to work in those sectors or because they suited me, but because the job centre pressured me into them.

At one clothes shop the manager Cynthia was very nasty to me, constantly comparing me to other people. Like she used to say: “Oh, this person sold more than you.” She just obviously had a grudge against me because of a disagreement about how I got hired in the first place.

I thrive on being able to do things my own way.

Also, I hadn’t disclosed that I had autism at that clothes shop and that seemed to bother Cynthia. She’d say: “Oh, she didn’t tell us she actually had autism.”

There was this horrible girl that I had to work with at that shop too. She’d get really angry because I wasn’t folding things right. And once she threw clothes on the floor when I accidentally put them on the wrong hook. And then I made more mistakes because I was being bullied and I couldn’t concentrate very well. It was all just constant horrible-ness.

Another time I worked for a music shop and part of my job was letting the delivery people in through the store, which was alarmed. When they came in, I had to disconnect the alarm, and it was very loud.

Now, obviously, that was very scary for me because if it had gone off, I would have had a meltdown. I tried my best to explain that this would be hard, but my boss, Ron, he just wasn’t having any of it. He was very patronising when he taught me how to do it. He’d turn the switch and say: “Oh, look, it’s off.”

He was just very dismissive of me. He’d say: “What are you talking about? It’s just an alarm.” Also, I also struggled with targets and stuff like that.

And then there’s the time I worked at a bar. I ended up at a particular branch because I couldn’t cope with the learning methods and exams you had to go through for the branch I wanted to work at.

My manager at the bar, Wilma, said to me: “Oh, should I go online and find out about autism?” She didn’t even ask me about what adaptions I needed, she basically just assumed everything and implied I was a burden from the start.

They were trying to adapt around me, but it was just the way they were doing it mad

e me feel like a burden. And I just wasn’t coping; I just couldn’t keep up. And Wilma just never gave me any space to breathe; she was always on my case, micromanaging me all the time, and I just felt suffocated.

The manager didn’t even ask me about what adaptions I needed.

Why weren’t these jobs a good fit? Well, in a nutshell, in relation to my condition, any sales job, whether it’s retail or hospitality or anything like that, involves being connected to people and for me that’s a challenge.

Now, sales, it’s all about manipulation, convincing someone to buy a 25-pound box of glitter no matter what. It’s all about that whole kind of social connection, that networking thing that I just don’t have naturally as a neurodivergent person. I don’t.

What made it even worse was the targets.

And I really struggle to learn things like it takes me quite a long time for me to learn things. I don’t know if that’s due to my autism or possible ADHD that hasn’t been diagnosed. But I’ve known that I’ve had a problem with learning things and I have to do them a few times before it goes in.

And that really went against me bullying wise, because people really insisted that I got things first time and they got really mad when I forgot things.

People may say well, why don’t you get another job? But it’s not so easy. I was forced into doing these jobs because they were the first jobs I could get; I didn’t take them necessarily because they were a good fit.

What would work better

I think people could be more aware of these things and more personalized when it comes to training, maybe look at things in a different way and also just not creating a hostile environment. Like, you know, I did stay in a job for three years in Cambridge, despite the hating it, because my managers were so understanding of my condition.

Whereas with hospitality, the best job I had was with a large pub chain because I had a lot more support. Also my training was more at my own pace.

And in terms of the job center, well, they need to stop referring people to all these external organizations. Cut the Re-start rubbish, cut all these ridiculous referrals to this job site, that job agency, this thing, that job board, this that, because they never get back to you. It’s just like a complete waste of my time going from one place to another, signing up and giving my details out to people who never get back to me.

No matter whether they call it the Lift Program, the Disability Job Hub, Job Swipe, Aspiring Interns or whatever, it’s all a complete waste of time.

And it’s a minefield out there, with all of these ridiculous job pages; there should just be one job board. Also they haven’t got a clue about how to apply for certain industries like the creative industries. They need to get educated about how to get people into all sorts of different jobs, not just with hospitality or retail.

They need to work with the person individually factoring in their unique circumstances including their disability.

And they need to work with the person individually factoring in their unique circumstances including their disability; not just adopt a one-size-fits-all system.

And I’m so glad I haven’t got to go into the job centre anymore because I passed the Work Capability Assessment, but I can tell you that it was a traumatic experience. The only way out of being in the job center, if you’re Disabled, is to pass these gruelling assessments which are degrading. I was very fortunate to have help from Camden Council with that, but not everyone does.

I’d suggest to anyone who is in that situation that they do not do that process on their own. It is horrific, you know? I’m recovering from the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of it all because it was one of the hardest things that I’d ever had to do.

 

NOTE – all the names in the story have been changed including that of the author.